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Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward Hardcover – November 20, 2018

by Gemma Hartley (Author)

315 ratings

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From Gemma Hartley, the journalist who ignited a national conversation on emotional labor, comes Fed Up, a bold dive into the unpaid, invisible work women have shouldered for too long—and an impassioned vision for creating a better future for us all.

Day in, day out, women anticipate and manage the needs of others. In relationships, we initiate the hard conversations. At home, we shoulder the mental load required to keep our households running. At work, we moderate our tone, explaining patiently and speaking softly. In the world, we step gingerly to keep ourselves safe. We do this largely invisible, draining work whether we want to or not—and we never clock out. No wonder women everywhere are overtaxed, exhausted, and simply fed up.

In her ultra-viral article “Women Aren’t Nags—We’re Just Fed Up,” shared by millions of readers, Gemma Hartley gave much-needed voice to the frustration and anger experienced by countless women. Now, in Fed Up, Hartley expands outward from the everyday frustrations of performing thankless emotional labor to illuminate how the expectation to do this work in all arenas—private and public—fuels gender inequality, limits our opportunities, steals our time, and adversely affects the quality of our lives.

More than just name the problem, though, Hartley teases apart the cultural messaging that has led us here and asks how we can shift the load. Rejecting easy solutions that don’t ultimately move the needle, Hartley offers a nuanced, insightful guide to striking real balance, for true partnership in every aspect of our lives. Reframing emotional labor not as a problem to be overcome, but as a genderless virtue men and women can all learn to channel in our quest to make a better, more egalitarian world, Fed Up is surprising, intelligent, and empathetic essential reading for every woman who has had enough with feeling fed up.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Gemma Hartley is a journalist and writer whose work has appeared in Glamour, Women’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, Harper’s Bazaar, Huffington Post, and the Washington Post, among other outlets. She lives in Reno, Nevada with her husband and three children.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ HarperOne (November 20, 2018)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 272 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0062855980
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0062855985
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.93 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #452,378 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #25 in Feminist Theory (Books)
- #29 in General Gender Studies
- #408 in Sociology Reference

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315 ratings

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Gemma Hartley

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Gemma Hartley is a freelance journalist and author of Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward. She received her BA in English Writing from The University of Nevada, Reno where she is recognized as a distinguished alumnus. Her work has been featured in outlets including Harper’s Bazaar, Women’s Health, Glamour, The Washington Post, CNBC, Redbook, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Teen Vogue, and The Huffington Post. She lives with her husband and three young children in Reno, Nevada.

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Customers find the book essential reading, with one noting its well-researched content. Moreover, the book effectively explains emotional labor, making it relatable for readers.

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Readability Emotional depth

16 customers mention "Readability"16 positive0 negative

Customers find the book readable and essential, with one customer noting it is well-researched and another mentioning it provides practical suggestions.

"...It is a necessary book for this time and for fourth wave feminism. This book should be requited reading for every male as soon as they can read." Read more

"The subject of the book is well worth looking into...." Read more

"...tired & uninspired, and on the verge of a mental breakdown, this book gave me hope...." Read more

"...It’s a very researched analysis, but it lacked structure, in my opinion. Overall, an educational read, I should say" Read more

6 customers mention "Emotional depth"6 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's emotional depth, finding it relatable and helpful in explaining emotional labor, with one customer noting it provides the language for constructive approaches to problems.

"...- Hartley's words are as engaging as they are infuriating and inspiring...." Read more

"...how the imbalance came about and it provides the language for constructive approaches to problems." Read more

"...Emotional Labor is real, and it is exhausting. My husband needs to read this next." Read more

"This is a must read for anyone in a relationship. Emotional labor is something I didn’t realize was a thing until this book and I will be forever..." Read more

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CW
Excellent writing that will inspire you to have necessary conversations
Reviewed in the United States on November 29, 2018
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Fed Up is eloquently written, and while it is long it is not daunting - Hartley's words are as engaging as they are infuriating and inspiring. The books immediately drove me to have hard but important conversations with the men in my life. It is a necessary book for this time and for fourth wave feminism. This book should be requited reading for every male as soon as they can read.

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16 people found this helpful

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Naming the Beast to Tame It
Reviewed in the United States on May 27, 2019
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This book squarely named The Beast so I could take steps finally to tame it. As a life-long radical old-style feminist of age 76, I thought I had "been there got the t-shirt" but apparently had not. Had my couple's therapist not recently used the term "emotional labor", had I not then googled it and found and read Hartley's 2017 Bazaar article, and then this book, I would not have known how to call the turmoil I was in from doing the emotional labor - doing almost every blasted task of it in my relationship, until my fuse was almost blown and I was with one foot out of the door after 17 yrs of partnership. One might say that this book and a few others, plus therapy so far, perhaps saved this relationship (see also Hold Me Tight and The Dance of Anger). Get this book, read it, take it to heart, pass it on to your girlfriends, and then take steps to know, articulate, and define your personal boundaries come what may. It's not too late. We deserve this kind of self-care. We can tolerate the anxiety of not knowing what will be the results. Believe that adults, and adult men (and women) can change (despite what your less clear-thinking girlfriends might tell you). The Beast has been named; Hallelulia! Now it's up to us.

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35 people found this helpful

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Good book that needs space to read
Reviewed in the United States on November 18, 2018
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I can relate very well to many things in the book, meaning I’m reliving a lot of the frustration while reading.....I feel privileged that I have the space to finish reading it. The author was very clear that it’s not a practical tool book for readers to fix the relationship and end the frustration. I understand it takes detailed description of real life situations to get the point across but at times it’s quite repetitive. I would still recommend this book as it highlights how the imbalance came about and it provides the language for constructive approaches to problems.

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23 people found this helpful

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Elizabeth
Finally - words to explain the pitfalls of my relationship
Reviewed in the United States on April 27, 2019
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I've been married for over a decade and this is the first time I've been able to adequately explain why I get so frustrated with my husband over things such as calendar, household duties, appointments for our children, and other shared (or should be) responsibilities. I didn't know emotional labor was even a thing until I read Gemma Hartley's article "Women Aren't Nags, We're Just Fed Up". It all made sense why I'd get mad at my husband for failing to recognize when I needed help and he didn't offer. Since reading this book, we've had conversations about shared responsibilities and how to address my needs emotionally. He's even read a bit of the book and can see how frustrating it would be to be the one in the relationship to consider "all the things" to keep things running smoothly.

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38 people found this helpful

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Rabid Reader
Worth Reading
Reviewed in the United States on June 16, 2024
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The subject of the book is well worth looking into. Any woman with kids & a household & a partner will immediately recognize the more-than-2nd-shift being described, and the toll it takes.

The book is well-organized. It starts by defining the problem, showing how it happens, demonstrating the effects, and then suggesting possible solutions.

The author uses her own life as a sort of template, or jumping-off point for most of the discussions, as well as interviewing others. (I rather feel sorry for her husband, as it has to be somewhat disturbing to be made out as the unwitting "bad" [not really] guy in a lot of the examples.)

I'm not sure this was a great idea, as her situation is very specific. She appears to mostly work from home, rather than working outside of the home, and certainly isn't a SAHM . . . which glaring omission began to irritate me as I plodded along through the book.

Is this reading? Yes. Should it have been a bit shorter? Yes--she could have covered the material in about 2/3 the space. Should she have taken a broader approach to the subject? Yes.

In essence, if you read a lot of feminist theory, you will want to read this.

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Ashlee
So relatable!
Reviewed in the United States on March 25, 2019
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As a stay at home mom, tired & uninspired, and on the verge of a mental breakdown, this book gave me hope. I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who has been going through this. Emotional Labor is real, and it is exhausting.
My husband needs to read this next.

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Ashlee

So relatable!

Reviewed in the United States on March 25, 2019
As a stay at home mom, tired & uninspired, and on the verge of a mental breakdown, this book gave me hope. I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who has been going through this. Emotional Labor is real, and it is exhausting.
My husband needs to read this next.

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6 people found this helpful

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Heather M
Such an important book for women AND men
Reviewed in the United States on March 28, 2019
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Feminism has (thankfully) let women become whole people, and embrace both their masculine and feminine sides. Unfortunately, men are still not allowed to take this healthy androgynous approach to being a human, and it is harming them and their families. This book offers a great first step they can take to escape from that box!

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Jenny
In general I liked it, but I have one piece of critique
Reviewed in the United States on May 21, 2020
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You can tell the book is well researched and I like her style of writing. I just feel she would emphasize a lot of the same points throughout the book over and over. If you wanted to get tips on what to do to solve this kind of situation you really won’t. It’s a very researched analysis, but it lacked structure, in my opinion. Overall, an educational read, I should say

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Karly E.
You should read it, and so should all the men you know
Reviewed in Canada on August 27, 2020
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This book is for everyone - the woman with the typical husband, the woman with the perfect husband, the woman with no husband, and then ALL THE MEN. You know when you read something and you're like, "Yes, that is my life being put into words" - that is this book. I have a great husband, but the issue of emotional labour is one for everyone. I read every second out loud to my husband - not in an accusatory way, but in a way that helped him to see things from another perspective. In fact, me and two of my female also married friends read it together, and we all have husbands who really contribute around the house. I even gave it to both my mother and mother-in-law last mother's day. It's just truth, and it's always helpful to hear someone articulate things that are true better than I can so I can help articulate them to others as we work towards gender equality and breaking gender-role stereotypes.

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Shelley
Amazing
Reviewed in Canada on June 25, 2023
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This book is amazing, game changer!

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Karen Sebesta
Great book all working Moms should read!
Reviewed in Canada on March 1, 2019
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This is a great book and if you're a working mom, you'll appreciate her story. It's all of our story!

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3 people found this helpful
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Ashley Casburn
Brilliant Read!
Reviewed in Canada on April 1, 2019
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Every person should read this to better understand what impact emotional labour really has on themselves and the people around them!

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Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward Hardcover – November 20, 2018

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So relatable!

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5.0 out of 5 stars You should read it, and so should all the men you know

5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing

5.0 out of 5 stars Great book all working Moms should read!

5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant Read!

You should read it, and so should all the men you know

Amazing

Great book all working Moms should read!

Brilliant Read!