In this excerpt from Hot and Unbothered, Yana Tallon-Hicks' forthcoming book, she explains how to have good sex, and how to figure out what that really means. Hot and Unbothered will be on sale starting August 16, and will be available wherever books are sold.
The problem with being a sex educator and writer like I am is that, when it comes to dating, your imagined reputation precedes you. And it’s painfully obvious when it has. For example, when a first date randomly picks up my entire body to awkwardly hold me against the wall of my apartment to make out with me in a way that screams, “This is totally out of my wheelhouse but I saw it in a porn once!” Or when another date had gleaned from my social media that I knew a thing or two about sex, and she spent so much time trying to embody a dirty-talking, bossy persona that clearly didn’t suit her, I thought maybe I had unknowingly become audience to a one-woman, erotic spoken-word piece.
Though I suppose I could be flattered at all of these sexual stops being pulled out on my behalf, it’s hard to feel anything but embarrassed and disconnected when someone is having sex with you based on an image of sex they have in their minds rather than the actual sexual interaction they are having with you — the unique human being in front of them.
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Chances are if you’re interested in having sex, you’re interested in having good sex. However, because of contextual factors like lack of positive sexual role-modelling, most of us are often confused about how, exactly, to get there. Dirty talking, writhing around in overblown ecstasy, pretzeling yourself into a million different shapes and calling them “creative positions that’ll blow her mind” — these are common pieces of seemingly pleasure-forward “good at sex” advice. But this advice won’t get you far on its own.
Advice like this sets us up to view sexual pleasure and our success as sexual partners as an individual project — a solo skill set to master, applying a one-size-fits-all style to every sexual encounter. But good sex is not that — it’s a living, breathing collaborative project that shifts and changes based on variables like who you’re sleeping with, where, when, as well as your partner’s particular turn-ons and turn-offs, just to name a few. This means good sex is much less about what you’re doing, and much more about who you’re doing it with.
I don’t know how to teach you to contort your body into a bunch of wild positions, but I can tell you how to have good — might I even venture, great — sex:
- Take stock: Who are you interested in having or currently having sex with?
- Ask them: What, for you, makes for great sex?
- Tell them: What, for you, makes for great sex.
- Listen to what they have to say before, during, and after sex.
- Make adjustments.
- Enjoy your great sex.
Though this is the truth, it’s the stripped-down version of the truth. In our real lives, nothing about sex and pleasure is that simple. Shame, stigma, unhelpful self-talk about our sexuality, bodies, and desires, lack of access to inclusive sex education — we’ve got many barriers to work through to reach toward our authentic pleasure. The common, super narrow model of being “good at sex” says, “You can’t do this, as you are, now.”
I say, “Of course you can.”
Good sex isn’t encapsulated by your sexual resume or what your body looks like. Good sex is actually highly subjective. What I did to have mind-blowing sex with one partner may very well translate to so-so sex with the next. The only real way for anyone to know how to have good sex with anyone else is to communicate with that person about sex: to inquire about what makes sex good for them, to share what makes sex good for you, and to set the stage for said communication to happen in a safe and productive way. All of this is to say that objectively good sex is actually not defined by the technical or material; it’s entirely relational.
There’s a thin line between communicating well and relating well, and both are pillars of my go-to advice about how to have good sex. Don’t know what your partner wants in bed? Ask. Want something new or different out of your sex life? Say so. Feel totally nerve-wracked about the process of doing that? Talk about that with your partner first.
Communication makes for better sex, period. So, having good, mutually pleasurable sex — whether for one, one hundred, or one thousand nights — requires us to have good relational (and no, not just sexual) skills.
Some relational/communication skills that might make you good at sex:
- Curiosity about your partner.
- Asking questions.
- Soliciting and receiving feedback.
- Awareness of nonverbal body language.
- Willingness to repair mistakes.
- Setting healthy boundaries.
- Bravery to show up as your full self.
- Social justice frameworks such as anti-racism, anti-sexism, and anti-transphobia, just to name a few.
Some technical skills that can help you be good at sex (but cannot make you good at sex on their own):
- Knowledge of sexual anatomy, sex toys, erogenous zones, positions, and sexual activities.
- Knowing how and where to research sex educational questions you might have.
- The resources to get and maintain sexual health screenings, treatments, and preventable measures.
Some things that do not determine how good you are at sex (especially in the absence of any of the above):
- What your body looks like or how it functions.
- The size, shape, or functionality of your genitalia.
- The number of candles you have lit.
- Your sexuality.
- Your gender.
- The number of partners you’ve had.
- Whether or not your ex thought you were good at sex.
- The number of orgasms had.
- How much your sex life mimics media-made sex lives or what your friends tell you they’re up to between the sheets.
The good news about relational skills is that we all know how to do at least some of them well and we can all learn how to improve the rest (if only just a little). Which means that we are all — yes, ALL— capable of having good, if not totally mind-blowing, sex. Here. In our real lives. No pretzel-positions required.
From the book Hot and Unbothered by Yana Tallon-Hicks. Copyright © 2022 by Yana Tallon-Hicks. Published by Harper Wave, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Reprinted by permission.
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